I was at Joe's. He had invited me over, along with Robyn and Jeremy. Jess was invited too, but she never showed up. We were watching this movie called Metropolis. It was made in 1927 and it was really good. Amazing, really. The starring actress was all crazy in it and she did a good job. The movie is three hours long, so we got kind of stir crazy after a while. Joe asked us if we wanted to smoke a cigarette. Of course, we said yes. I was the first to get up and leave the room, on my way to the garage. As I opened the door, I heard something loud. Something animal-like. And pissed. I closed the door quickly. I took a moment to think to myself about what it could be. At this time, Joe is walking up behind me, followed closely by Robyn and Jeremy.
"What's the matter?" asked Joe, to which I shrugged, acting like nothing had happened.
I opened the door, hoping that it was just my imagination, but what did I see when I opened the door? A giant fucking octopus with dicks at the ends of it's tentacles taking up the majority of the room. I'm not talking about little, human-sized dicks. These fuckers were monstrous. They put mule-dicks to shame. I was terrified.
"WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT??", I bellowed.
I didn't get a response. Everyone was crying and shitting in their pants. Looked like it was up to me. I ran at it and leaped at it's enormous, glassy, cum-smeared eye, hoping to blind it. No such luck. It grabbed me with one long, slimy dick-tentacle and threw me across the room like a rag doll. I plopped to the ground, covered in a slime that I could only assume was cum. Bruised and disgusted. But I wasn't about to give up. I grabbed some kind of heavy metal shit off the wall and ran right back into the thing. Swinging like a madman, but he was just so cummy and slippery.
I screamed for help, but everyone was still crying and rubbing shit on themselves and each other. Joe had an erection. I grumbled.
Whatever the fuck I picked up wasn't going to do it. I looked frantically around the room. A chainsaw! Over on the oposite wall! I had to get it somehow. I tried to barrel through, but there were eight giant dicks in the way, and as hard as I tried to get through, the dicks just threw me back into the garage doors.
Hmmm.., I thought to myself. If only I were a bulldozer
"That's it!", I exclaimed. "I just need to turn into a bulldozer!" And so I did. I turned into a bulldozer and rammed right the fuck through that asshole. Finally where I needed to be, I transformed back into my normal, sexy self. I grabbed the chainsaw off the wall and revved that fucker up.
"I'M GONNA FUCK YOUR BUTT" the monster squawked.
"NOT TONIGHT! I HAVE A HEADACHE!" I so cleverly retorted. With that, I jumped into the air and brought the chainsaw down into the center of the octopus' stupid purple head. It screamed in agony. All eight of his dicks started cumming with alarming force! They just kept cumming and cumming! They couldn't stop cumming! I was worried we might drown. But just as the cum was about to rise above my head, it all disappeared in a puff of smoke. The cum, the octopus, his dicks, everything. And where the octopus once lay, stood Dracula.
"You've passed the test, Mark. You truly are a magnificent being. I'd like you to be lead singer in my new hair metal band. It will be called Monsters and Shit."
"Say whaaaaat?" I replied.
"We're gonna rock the fuck out of this town, my young apprentice" Dracula told me.
"That sounds rad, bro, but do I get to murder people and drink their blood like you?" I asked.
"I'm not into that scene anymore. I don't murder because God doesn't want me to. He told me. And instead of drinking blood, I donate it to people that need it for stuff. I also like to spend a lot of my time sparkling in the sun".
With that, I chopped his fucking head off and he couldn't do shit about it.
Joe, Jeremy, and Robyn all came out of their crying-fits and managed to get up and praise me.
"You truly are a better man than I. Please, take my car and all my money", Joe said.
"It would be an honor to give you sexual favors", Jeremy bowed before me.
"Harry Potter" Robyn mumbled through a mouthful of shit.
I knew that none of these pieces of filth were worth my time, so I flew out the door into space to smoke crack and fight space bitches.
So yeah. Last night was great.